Starting the Next Phase
I don't think I realized just how hard this had hit me, until we finally got the dates outlined. Such a relief! I'd been coasting along for over 3 years with only minor upheavals on Nexavar, knowing with some degree of certainty what each day would bring and what would factor into how I felt overall.
Imagine feeling terrible all the time without knowing why; that was the norm for me from 1998-2000. Being diagnosed with RCC was terrifying but it was also a relief - at least I knew what was wrong with me. Each step since then has had its own challenges. The biggest shock was the liver metastasis in 2003; and that probably comes closest to what I felt when Nexavar finally failed.
Yes, we all tell ourselves that we're being pragmatic and facing up to the fact that metastasis can and probably will happen, or that this or that drug can and probably will cease to be effective over time. Yes, we try to share information with other RCC patients and keep up our knowledge base. Yes, we do what we can to prepare ourselves for change and the next step. It's still not comfortable when the time comes.
I've been awfully depressed about having to face these changes. Maybe it's the equivalent of losing a job and being in limbo until finding another one. All that I know is that I'm glad to have something more definite in front of me now.
Tree swallows have returned as of last Sunday. Spring is offically back!